Just another WordPress site

I sat on the line as I so often did.

One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me and so on it went.

My friend and I picking out lives. We had done this since time immemorial. An equal number for each side. The decisions were supposed to be on which one I liked and which one my friend liked. The line that we sat at was the line of life. There were souls from all walks of life. Some were old some were young. Some absolutely forgettable, Some remembered long after we had picked them out.

It’s been a while since we walked the line ourselves hasn’t it?.

Sure has. We shouldn’t loose touch with what it’s like from down there.

So down we went into the very souls we picked out. Mortalized into the same neighbourhood we met often to do things that normal kids never would. Our secrets were complicated to say the least.

One fine day we were out in the playground looking at other kids playing. We walked over and found them at the end of a game of marbles. Two kids seemed to have taken them all  today and were dividing the marbles which were laid out in a line.

One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me and so on it went.

‘I just can’t get the ending right…’, I thought. I’d spent the last 6 months cooped up in my basement writing, it could wait a few more hours. Frustrated, I headed out to the neighborhood coffee shop with my ream of papers (white legal pads with yellow post it’s all over). I was half way through a latte and eying the cookies from my perch on a bar stool at the store window when my glance met hers. I began telling her about the short romantic tragedy without a conclusion which was pretty much all that occupied my life these days. She did not mind and I did not stop . We hit it off immediately.

I met her again a few days later and again the night after that. Before I knew it we were dating regularly. I got a job in a weekly news-paper and it was around 6 months later that I got home from work and  she handed me a white legal pad with a bunch of post it’s on it.

‘I finished it’, she said. ‘Give it a read’. And it was perfect. An apt ending to the story I began a year ago. The last paragraph read

She had left me. I no longer had a job. And the light creeping through the half closed shop shutter seemed to be my prison. I got up from my perch by the door and headed home. Down in my cozy basement for most of the night I reminisced over the good times and the better. Somewhere down there in a fit of rage, dejection, hysteria, hatred and grief I put pen to paper to write my romantic tragedy.

I woke up to the daily hum drum of the cleaning lady. It was one in a series of weekday mornings I couldn’t quite recollect. Which one was this? My life is a series of unavoidable chores to be done one followed by another. Thursday! Yes thats what it was. This dreary gray sky laden with white rainless clouds could be nothing else. Somewhere in the beginning of the current month I think. House Rent Check, Electricity Bill Check, Water bill check, pay the Maid Check, pay the Cook check. But there is something I am forgetting. Never mind I’ll figure it out eventually. Getting up and going through the motions was a rehearsed ballet I usually performed half asleep. Ever since I moved out of my parent’s house and moved into this unknown faceless town of strangers to ‘pursue my dream career’ I’d just gone from one day to another. The glorious virility of youth and the enthusiasm that follows now long swept under the rug, replaced with phony drunken weekends to forget the drudgery and frustration of the calamity that is my life.

All cleaned up and in my semi-formal working attire I head off to my daily commute on the company cab. Followed by a tea/coffee session at the workplace with co-workers who are cut outs from the same piece of paper. The day follows the well known sequence of meeting, delegate work, ‘research’, cut copy paste, email report, time-sheets. With no actual joy to be taken in the work this was yet another chore to finish. Back at home the cook has come in during the evening and made food that would never pass mother’s quality control but would hold the fort till tomorrow.

Thank god the cook made 5 chapattis I’ve got some work home the extra chapati will help if I need a midnight-snack. Watch some TV chat online, talk on the phone, have dinner now lets get to some serious work. 1…2 buckle my shoe 3…4 shut the door, snore, snore, snore. Damn it didn’t finish the report. Boss is gonna be mad. But then what can he expect for the meager salary they are paying me. I’m not their slave 24×7.

---

7:30 – at home – time to visit that ungrateful bastard. I have to get up at 5 am to catch the bus to get into the city his chauffeur driven taxi arrives at his door step at 8. And look, he’s thrown away food again. What have his parents taught him. Uncultured youth these days. They drink on the weekends and have hot-shot jobs but when it’s festival season they can’t even spare some good food for a poor soul like me. I wish to god that they would wake up to reality for they are blinded in thier wants and needs and self importance.

---

8:00 – in the car – What does he have that I don’t. I’m stuck driving him to and from office while he’s in there sipping coffee and surfing on the internet. He would have the same college degree as me if his father had not pulled the right strings and then he went in for some professional course paying an obscene sum of money. Got himself a diploma of sorts and now look at him. I’m sure he’s not worth a penny but looks like a million dollars from afar. I will not get anywhere with this dead end job. I have to do something to boost my income.

---

10:00 – at some office in the city – Such a bright young fellow. But seems to have gone all bad lately. No sense of time or integrity. Last time I called him he promised to come visit but did not. I think it was day before yesterday. It’s a shame I’ll need to call my friend(his father) and inform him that I have to take action. I remember him fresh out of college. So much promise. His thesis work was acknowledged by all in his field. He had a first class with distinction all through. No wonder the college gave him a scholarship. And today I have to foreclose his educational loan.

There once was a veil, a mystic shroud, that but for a day I shun,
Lost in it’s wake was my self, and the lapse of reason begun.

I know not whence I came upon, such a device in my tale
Yet it’s squander unexpected was felt stronger than a gale

Like a stranded leaf in a mid summer breeze
Sapless I floated a while sans ease

Brought together for reasons unknown
I did the bidding for a conscience grown

Of right and wrong I spoke in the know
But knew not my eye from my brow

Oh what a folly! Inane I must confess
For the path is the goal for all to digress

Of little known things we allege to be mindful
In a garden of hollies proclaim cherries beautiful

This beginning is not that apart from the place begun
Not Me not the veil It’s the pretense that was shun.

synopsis in the comments

The terms civilization and culture together bring out the need for approval of individual actions from a group of peers. This when left to develop enough leads to a moral code. Which in essence is the opposite of barbarianism/animalistic tendencies.

So here we are with a moral codes which extend from ethics to conscience and consequentialism to guilt. This gives us a egotistical high ground from which to look down upon the rest of the universe. Once we finds ourselves on this imaginary pedestal there is nowhere to go but down. Let me elaborate.

In work life or in personal matters we take the moral code to be universally applicable but this will conflict with sel-interest and desirable outcomes. At this point we are left with an option to loosen the moral code (bend so to say) or forgo personal gain. As can be noted from the quote

Let he/she who is without any flaws or sins ‘cast the first stone

All of us have made these compromises at various points in time. But this code is usually so much a part of our existence that life without appears to be an impossible commodity. But then again moral codes are flexible (after all they can be bent ) but it’s like segments of a rubber band. If you pull on one side the other will tighten and resist more. Or as Newton put it once. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, Well in this case opposite but not really equal. I do not mean to say that we always have a looser moral code as we progress through life. But it allows modification within limits. Of course socio-economic conditions play a major role but, Individuals do have a level of control over it.

For those of you who read this far hoping I’d get to the point. Well there isn’t any just an observation, at best astute , at worst a foregone conclusion.

Festival season is hunting ground for 20 something singles (not a necessarily criteria) around the world. I was out and about with a mixed group of friends in the wilderness previously known to us all as ‘Durga Pooja’ when I heard the phrase.

Whatever happened to all the good looking warm men?

Obviously recounted by a female peer of mine. It got me to thinking about desired traits in human matchmaking. Most Indians have at some time or the other glanced at a matrimonial classified (same goes for matchmaking services/websites elsewhere) and the ridiculous pursuit of various ‘virtues’. The way I see it people are always looking at grass on the other side that’s not really there at all. In other words there is no such thing as a perfect match. I concede that the good parts may outweigh the bad in many cases, but the dark underbelly of a relationship is never for the public eye to see.

Getting back to the point in contention where did they all go?

• They got married (that would still not explain disappearance)
• They aged horribly into their late 20s and hence fail on the first count
• They lost vitality and enthusiasm as they aged and hence fail on the second count

Beauty is a commodity distributed evenly enough so I’ll wash over that part. I’d like to think that the second adjective in discussion is due to changing/changed perspectives.

When I was in school there was never a dearth of people to meet and most had been on the same beaten path as me for most of their lives. This would include similarities in interest and sensibilities of acceptable human behaviour. As I moved into my mid 20s I saw that there are many other kind of people who do not match the traditional definition of ‘warm’ that I grew up with but each and every single one has a set of moral and egotistical peculiarities. At the end of the day every human requires justification to self for actions taken. A select few do wallow in self-pity and playing the underdog for most of their lives, but as for the rest of us, we have it ingrained to behave in a certain way. This makes people wary of going outside the inner circle of people since outsiders do not play by the same rules.

Polygamy(either sex) is not unheard of but unacceptable in a prospective match by my moral make-up. Similarly there would be other things (can’t think of one right now) that I may consider perfectly normal and may not be acceptable by others. The most important thing here is an understanding that the other person is different but not necessarily immoral by their rules. I notice people making their circles smaller and smaller in the absence of this understanding.  For example: If a person got a make-over(lifestyle wise) that does not make them a bad person. On the contrary it makes them proactive in expanding their circle. But a lifestyle change also means a new set of friends and new interests. Old acquaintances often view this as betrayal and make their circles unnecessarily smaller.

Where are the Good looking warm men(and women)? They are as present as they always were. It’s the way you look at the world that makes them visible.

I’m digging into stuff thats a year old here so I’m just gonna stick to the facts for the next few posts trying to get this blog up to date.

Went to Delhi for the 26th Jan reunion. Met up with a lot of people.Ujjwal bought his new Safari. Mom came down for a visit in early Feb. Bhaskar and Chetu came down at the same time and we went out pub-hopping for a night. Apart from that life was quite sedate. Settling back into the groove of things

 

We stopped over at Mahabalipuram on the way back from Pondicherry. This is where I got away from the guys for a bit and made this post. I was no longer in a daze I even rode Anubhav’s bike part of the way back. These 4 days definitely gave me a whole new perspective on life. I’ll cut all the bull crap out of this post, my 1 word take away from it all was ‘Live!’

Originally uploaded by Deep Joy.

I awoke next morning at daybreak. To say that I was a bit lost was an understatement.

In any case I walked around town by foot and visited all the spots I remembered form my previous visit. Pondicherry is a very serene and laid back town. The building in the pic is New Delhi Guest house. I have memories of a water fight on the terrace here . My Bike was in no condition to be ridden back to Bangalore. I booked it aboard a transport truck along with the requisite paperwork to send it back to Bangalore by around 1pm. We grabbed a quic bite to eat and started back. Anubhav and Kshitij on the Bike + 6 of us in the Qualis.

The car had before now found a charity gala being held at one of the hotels outside of town. They were very helpful and allowed us in even though we had not booked for the gala. The proceeds were to go for an orphan home(if I remember correctly). I washed the many scratches and dirt from the road. At exactly 0000hrs on 1st January 2006 I was digging into a plateful of fried rice.

Slowly it began to sink in. The facts were stacked up and here is the tally

• It was the only 15 mins in the whole 24 hour ride that I did not have my helmet on
• It was the only 15 mins in the whole 2 hour ride that I did not have a pillion rider behind me
• People do not come out of 85 kms/hr (50 miles/hr) without anything to show for it

We headed back into town after dinner. The town of Pondicherry comes out on the streets to greet each other for new years. The scene must have been exactly as I had seen it 8 years back on my first trip here. But, this time I didn’t notice.

I went into a secluded silence. We headed for the city beach and hung around there for a while. The others were chattering away about something or the other the whole way. I don’t remember much of what happened except that we did make it back to the Hotel at around 2-3 am. And there I slept…